Get your muskets cleaned and check yo hardtack for maggots, we got some fightin' to do!
Ready? Good. Let's do this.
(Note: the following may contain a few anachronisms.)
Hey Bobby Lee, I got somethin' for you.
I would hope that it is your declaration of surrender, good sir. How quaint of you to deliver it personally and not send a messenger!
No motherf***er! It's a goddamn Emancipation Proclamation. All your slaves are free now. They're on our side. You might as well give up now, graybeard, you're f***ed.
[scribbles something on piece of parchment]
You got something to say?
[holding up the note] Ah yes, I have just received this "Emancipation Unproclamation," the contents of which may interest you.
But YOU wrote that. Just now. I saw you, dumba**.
I'm afraid that you must be mistaken sir, it was delivered on horseback a moment ago.
I was right here the whole time, a**hole. I saw you with the pen and paper. You're not fooling anyone, you old piece of s***!
Well, perhaps you would like to read it.
[snatches paper out of Lee's hand, begins to read]
***The White House, Feb. 1, 1863
My dearest Confederate Army and Gov't,
r badd, all ur slavez r belong 2u. wuz kiddn b4
With the kindest of regards,
Abraham Lincoln
P.S. McClane, guess where your mother was last night.***
It seems that we're at a bit of an impasse, General McClane...
That does it. Yippee-ki-yay motherf***er! [coldcocks Lee, grabs rapier that's resting against the side of the tent and runs Lee through. McClane then pulls a loaded machine gun out of a chest and proceeds to mow down the entire Army of Northern Virginia.]
To be continued...
Hot Water Music - The End of the Line (From The New What Next)
Neutral Milk Hotel - Marching Theme (From On Avery Island)
The National - Start a War (From Boxer)
Buy 'em up:
Epitaph
Merge
Beggar's Banquet
