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Monday, November 9, 2009

Not a Review.

(I apologize in advance for overtly dour nature of this post. It just happens sometimes. I feel a need to post something and I just happen to be in an off mood. To be fair, I did just finish watching Five Easy Pieces, so there's that.)

For a lot of people, Wednesday's the most difficult day to get through. Yet for me, as relatively hectic and swamped as I have found this semester, Wednesday's the eye of the storm for me. Yes, I have four hours of work, but at this point work is a respite from academics. Sometimes I question why I'm even bothering sticking around to get a master's. Will I even use the degree? I guess it's because I typically have a hard time committing to anything without first giving it tons and tons of neurotic thought which even probably won't deposit me off at some solid conclusion. I've gotten to the point where in many people's judging eyes it's entirely not OK that I haven't figured out what I'm going to do with my life. I have to deflect the questions or name some random occupation that I likely have very little interest in. I mean, it's not like I don't try to settle on something. It just doesn't happen. Even if people are just trying to make small talk (and trust me, it happens all the time, whether at work or with the person behind me in checkout at the supermarket), I probably get overly defensive about it.

So, I'm putting in the extra work so I can stick around college one more year. Buy myself some more time, hold off on leaving what's left of my academic island for good. Every year the bubble gets smaller and I feel like more and more of an outsider even though I'm still very much here. Living off campus has very much changed the dynamic of my experience at school, and in particular working on campus during the summer when there's hardly any students around, when it's just the old buildings and dust and cobwebs, out with the old and in with the new, get the repairs done so the rooms are ready for the wide-eyed freshmen when they arrive the last week of August. Watch the days shorten further and further still, the leaves drop, the air chill. All the changes of the seasons aren't going to make the illusion of scholastic grandeur quite so real to me ever again. The bloom is off the rose and it isn't growing back. And yet I still find this a feasible alternative for the time being. It's like standing on a sinking ship and refusing to get on a little lifeboat because the seas are rough and you might capsize, but who knows, that ocean liner is sinking so slow maybe help will arrive before I'm submerged, right? And if help doesn't show up, when that boat's about to sink I'll grab onto a piece of driftwood. That's just how I've always gotten by.

I guess college is just the Wednesday in my life, then. There's been a lot of work leading up to and through it, and once I leave it, there's a lot more work to do before the weekend gets around.

The Weakerthans - Wellington's Wednesdays (From Fallow)
Willy Mason - Oxygen (From Where the Humans Eat)

Buy 'em up:
Cinder Block
Team Love


silly little girl said...

Aww I like this. I am with you on the summer work thing, it's really interesting to claim the campus during the summer. I felt like the freshman were invading my territory, and I still sometimes wonder what these people are doing on my campus.

College is close to done, especially for me, isn't that strange? I've been looking forward to 2010 for a while, so strange that it's coming up... I wonder what the weekend will be like.

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