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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The War of Northern Aggression, Part 5: In Which Gen.'s John McClane and Robert E. Lee Have a Chat

After an 11-month hiatus in my educational series about the War Between the States through song, I have returned with yet another installment of ole-timey goodness. Beats book larnin', right?

Get your muskets cleaned and check yo hardtack for maggots, we got some fightin' to do!

Ready? Good. Let's do this.

(Note: the following may contain a few anachronisms.)

Hey Bobby Lee, I got somethin' for you.

I would hope that it is your declaration of surrender, good sir. How quaint of you to deliver it personally and not send a messenger!

No motherf***er! It's a goddamn Emancipation Proclamation. All your slaves are free now. They're on our side. You might as well give up now, graybeard, you're f***ed.

[scribbles something on piece of parchment]

You got something to say?

[holding up the note] Ah yes, I have just received this "Emancipation Unproclamation," the contents of which may interest you.

But YOU wrote that. Just now. I saw you, dumba**.

I'm afraid that you must be mistaken sir, it was delivered on horseback a moment ago.

I was right here the whole time, a**hole. I saw you with the pen and paper. You're not fooling anyone, you old piece of s***!

Well, perhaps you would like to read it.

[snatches paper out of Lee's hand, begins to read]

***The White House, Feb. 1, 1863

My dearest Confederate Army and Gov't,
r badd, all ur slavez r belong 2u. wuz kiddn b4

With the kindest of regards,
Abraham Lincoln

P.S. McClane, guess where your mother was last night.***

It seems that we're at a bit of an impasse, General McClane...

That does it. Yippee-ki-yay motherf***er! [coldcocks Lee, grabs rapier that's resting against the side of the tent and runs Lee through. McClane then pulls a loaded machine gun out of a chest and proceeds to mow down the entire Army of Northern Virginia.]

To be continued...

Hot Water Music - The End of the Line (From The New What Next)
Neutral Milk Hotel - Marching Theme (From On Avery Island)
The National - Start a War (From Boxer)

Buy 'em up:
Beggar's Banquet


silly little girl said...

Greg sometimes I really don't know what to think of you. This was amusing.

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